


We Love and Live

by Freaky_fandoms



Series: Love for Arthur [1]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Dark Thoughts, Future Relationships, Jealous Arthur, M/M, Magic, Magic Revealed, One sided Merlin/Arthur, Past Relationships, Secrets, Suspicious Arthur, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-03
Updated: 2017-07-13
Packaged: 2018-03-05 05:31:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3107909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Freaky_fandoms/pseuds/Freaky_fandoms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Love is a simple emotion. Yet many choose to complicate it. Guilt and misunderstandings can twist the love into a painful experience. What should a Warlock do when he has to choose between his love and his destiny.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fever

**Author's Note:**

> So this is the first fanfic I ever wrote and i hope you will enjoy.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tired, that's all he felt as he laid down in bed as he waited for death to take him away. There was no more reason for his existence. He no longer wanted to stare as Arthur be with someone else and not telling him the truth. He wanted it to end now. The pain was just too much.
> 
> Merlin is in love with Arthur but believes that he can never love him. This pushes him to stop eating and having suicidal thoughts. Can Arthur figure what is wrong with Merlin before it all falls apart?

Merlin sat in front of Gaius as he played with the food in his plate. 

"Are you okay, you haven't taken a single bite of your food" Gaius said observing as his young ward. Merlin sharply looked up.

"What?" he questioned before shaking his head and saying "yeah,i'm fine. Just not hungry." he said as he pushed his plate away. But Gaius could tell that he was lying. As if the dark circles and pale skin wasn't obvious enough, Merlin was loosing weight. He was always skinny, but instead of a small and gangly-limbed, cheerful boy that he was, it was replaced with a malnourished boy who looks likes all his life force was sucked out. 

"Merlin!" came a shout from the behind the door as Prince Arthur practically breaks down the door calling for his manservant. "Why isn't my armor clean and where are my socks and you haven't cleaned my crossbow yet. I'm taking the knights for a target practice and if everything isn't done by the afternoon you are going to be the target." he finishes with a huff before he struts out the door

Merlin got up as he made his way to the door. Just as he was about to walk out Gaius called out, "Don't forget to pick up some herbs fro me, were running low...". He turned towards Merlin only to see him on the lying on the floor on his back. 

He jumped up and rushed over to see if he was alright to only to discover that the poor boy's skin was hot to the touch. He looped his arms around his back and knees as he lifted him into the air. He was waiting for the strain in his knees and the pain in his arm but it never came. The term 'light as a feather' applied very clearly in this situation. He rushed boy he considered his own to the bed as he tried to gently place him down but only to see that Merlin's head has bumped against the metal rods of the bed and was turning red. He flinched knowing that it must have hurt and expected Merlin to ope his eyes and groan and give him one of his puppy-dog glares. But his hope was crushed when he notice the lack of any reaction from the unconscious.

He rushed towards the medicine cabinet before pulling out the proper doses of medication needed to treat Merlin. He then walked back to the bed and cupped Merlin's neck and brought up his head to pour the blue liquid inside his mouth before gently laying down his head on the pillow.

"That should bring down your fever," he said. Looking down upon the face of the boy he signed. How did he not notice that Merlin was sick. It was his duty as the court physician to watch over the people in the kingdom yet he was unable to see what was literally under his nose. He signed for what must have been for the tenth time since this morning. 

He sat down next to Merlin'n sleeping form and said in a grave tone, "I will make sure you get better, I promise you."


	2. Frustration

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur finds out that Merlin is ill.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg, I took such a long time to update. I feel terrible. But here it is and hope that you all like it

He waited for Merlin to appear and complain to him about the amount of work Arthur gave him, or something along that line. But he never showed. Arthur couldn't pin point exactly when it happened but it was obvious on how much he relied on Merlin. Whether it was for the witty come-backs that Merlin could spit out or for the level of understanding and compassion he had. No matter how rude, spoiled or annoying he acted Merlin was always around. A healthy level of disrespect added to the mix was a bonus. For some reason no matter how much he screwed up and how much he felt as if he was unworthy, Merlin always believed in him. Always told him that he would make a great king. Now all he had to do was wait. Wait

And wait he did. But Merlin never showed. Soon it was time for lunch and it looked like the tic on his forehead would be permanent. He knew Merlin usually was late but this was ridiculous. He got up from his chair and stalked out of his chambers towards the physicians ward. As he passed the other servants around the castle he notice ho much they seemed to be avoiding him, as if they were afraid of him.

He immediately stopped and stood there. If this was the situation around 10 years ago, then he wouldn't have minded their fear, but now, that look on their faces made him full of self-loathing. He didn't want Merlin to see this side of him, no matter how angry he was at his useless manservant. Schooling his features, Arthur began to walk towards the physicians chamber once again, this time is a much calmer pace. Soon he reached his destination and took a deep breathe. He would hate it if he were to loose his cool and started shouting at that annoying manservant. he pushed the door open and walked in and the sight that greeted him washed all his anger away.

There laid Merlin, looking like death had warmed over. His skin a pale grey, his lips blue and dark purple circles under his eyes. Arthur suddenly felt as if his knees were to weak to support him. Before he realized it, he was standing right next to the almost lifeless boy. He found himself collapsing beside the bed and taking Merlin's too small and cold hands into his.  
"Gaius!" he yelled, and what seemed like an eternity, the physician walked in. "Yes your highness?" the old man asked.\  
"What's wrong with him?" he asked. Words catching on his throat. "He is sick." came the reply.  
If looks could kill then Gaius would be a pile of ashes on the floor  
"He stopped eating and he was overworking himself. The exhaustion has taken a toll on his health. It may take some time for him to fully recover." a monotone voice answered his glare.

Guilt crawled up his stomach. "Its my fault." Arthur croaked out. He looked at the sight that made his manservant..no friend. He was always ordering him around and never letting him rest.  
"No sire," Gaius immediately cut in. " It wasn't your fault. I have also been making him do a lot of chores." sighing he started walking off toward the section of the library where he kept all his books. 

Arthur doesn't know for how long he stayed beside Merlin,but the sound of the door opening behind him made him aware of his situation. He turned around to see Gwenivere walk in. He smiled tightly at her. "There you are," she said in relief "I have been looking everywhere for you.". She paused when she saw Merlin. A horrified expression crossed her face. Arthur found himself standing up and walking up to her. He could feel her arms wrap around him as he told her the cause of Merlin's situation. In her attempt to comfort him, Gwen kissed him and he felt himself responding. 

None of them noticed the warlock waking up to see their heated session. If only they looked they could have seen the utter look of heartbreak and gut-wrenching grief pass over the great Emrys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment and tell me how you guys liked it. And this is my first fanfic so please try to be a little more understanding


	3. Emptiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emrys welcomed the feeling of emptiness, it was so relaxing. Why hadn't he done this before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, a lot of people have liked this. I am so shocked. This is my first public fan fiction but thanks for all your support and I will try to update more often

Merlin watched Arthur and Gwen locked in their passionate kiss with empty eyes. As the estranged couple broke apart he closed his eyes and feigned sleep. Instead of darkness he saw rage. How could Arthur still not see the love in his eyes and why did he keep longing for a man that will surely never love him back. He could hear hushed whispers and the creak or the wood beneath the weight of Arthur and Gwen. With a creak signalling the opening or the chamber door and the sound of the door being closed, Merlin realized that they had left. He opened his eyes. Every time Arthur was wounded or sick no matter how superficial it was, Merlin would never choose to leave his side, only exiting to get the remedy or under the order of Gaius. Arthur didn't even stop over him for any longer than ten minutes. 

Slowly rising from his bed, Merlin looked around. There were no signs of Gaius informing him that he too must have slipped away. Probably to find some kind of foul tasting medicine for him. He slowly stood up, grabbing on to a chair when nausea hit him. Balancing himself out, he headed towards the table with a still hot bowl of food. He sat down and ate quickly.

After wards, he preceded to leave the physicians chambers. As he was about to open the door, the door opened and there stood Gwaine. The only good thing that came with Arthur lack of concern is that it leads to Gwaine's company as comfort. 

"Look who's up," he exclaimed, "and we were getting worried for no reason!". With a smile that was genuine for the first time in months, Merlin let him in and proceeded to get comfortable next to him on the bed, where Gwaine decided was a good place to lay down starfish.

Conversation with Gwaine always flowed. They sat there talking, well Gwaine talked and he just nodded along and sometimes added his input on any subject that interested him. Slowly over the hour they had somehow switched to a more comfortable position. With Gwen leaning in on the pillows and his knees slightly bent while Merlin's head rested on his chest while Gwaine ran his fingers down his hair. And that's how Arthur found them when he came back in to check on Merlin. 

"Oh, you are up" Arthur said softly as he looked at the scene in front of him. Merlin jerked up with a start. 

"Sire!" he exclaimed, "I am so sorry I wasn't able to be with you today." He rushed out. A wave of dizziness hit him and he swayed. Arthur looked at him and frowned.

" Since when do you refer to me as sire?" 

"It seems that I should leave..." drawled Gwaine as he proceeded to get up ad brush or invisible dust from his cloths.

"Yes, why aren't you training with the other knights?" Arthur asked, jealousy pouring out of him. 

Gwaine chuckled, "Well I heard that Merlin was ill and I came to see him." he frowned at Arthur before continuing, "He has been so overworked that we barely have time to hang out any more"

Arthur glared some more towards Gwaine before he turned back towards Merlin, his eyes softening just a bit. "I'm glad your okay" he muttered before walking out the door.

" Well it looks like I have to get going as well." Gwaine said. Before leaning down and swiftly pecking Merlin on his lips before jumping out the door and running down the hallway.

Merlin stood with his feet glued to the floor and his eyes wide. His hand reached up and touched his lips.

"Oh..." he whispered


	4. Realization

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin ponders on his relationship with Arthur. Arthur wonders if he is willing to give up Merlin.

His lips still tingled where Gwaine had kissed him. Sitting on his bed, Merlin wondered about his relationship with Gwaine. Even when they had just met, he always felt a sort of fondness for Gwaine. His charming ways and flirty conversation was a refreshing change than the always dashing Arthur throwing chalices at him. What most attracted Merlin to Gwaine was the loyalty he showed towards Merlin. Barely knowing him, Gwaine chose to join him towards the Perilous Lands to save Arthur (again! Honestly you would expect him to stop being a damsel in distress). Where was the love for Arthur going though. Arthur loved Gwen, and would possibly banish Merlin if he found out about his magic. Any relationship he could have with Arthur would be filled with lies and secrecy. Many of the other Kingdoms might ridicule Camelot for their relationship. A man with another man is taboo enough, but if one of them happens to be a King and the other a Manservant, one could imagine the integrity of Camelot being washed away. 

Slowly shifting off his bed Merlin made his way towards his room. He walked towards the back of his bed and dislodged the loose floor board. Scooping up the magic book with one hand and using the other to grip the side of the bed, Merlin sat down on his bed. Flipping through the pages he lost himself. Practicing spells and learning about magic alays appealed to him. 

 

The situation was quite different for Arthur. He marched over to the courtyard and unsheathed his sword. The targets had never received a worse beating than today. Growling softly to himself, Arthur watched as Gwaine sauntered in and started sparing. Why did Merlin like him so much. He wasn't that pretty and he couldn't even beat Arthur in a spar. 

"Ridiculous" he mused to himself eyes still strayed to Gwaine. 

"What's ridiculous?" the sudden question caused Arthur to jump. Swiveling on his heels, Arthur turned to face Leon. 

"Nothing, " he paused for a moment. "let's spar.". All the tension and frustration had to be released somehow. 

"You okay sire, you seem kind of distracted." .

"I'm fine, " grumbling Arthur prepared his stance and crouched low, in an offence position. The spar continued with the two trading blows. The sound of metal clashing against metal could be heard. They twisted and turned evading blows while retaliating. Arthur slashed his sword in front of him causing Leon to loose his balance. With a thump he fell to the ground. As he was about to end the spar with a witty comment, a flash of red caught his eye. Merlin was walking towards him. But his eyes were glued to Gwaine's back. A healthy flush blooming over his protruding cheekbones. A major change from the grey and sweaty ones that Arthur witnessed in Gaius' infirmary. 

"You shouldn't let yourself be distracted sire." A cheeky voice told him before he felt himself fall to the ground and feel the tip of Leon's sword under his neck. 

"Fine, I yield." with a huff Arthur dropped his sword and stood up. Just to be able to glimpse Merlin in the arms of laughing Gwaine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating. I have got no excuses. So in bargain, please tell me what you guys expect or want in the next chapter and I will do my very best to deliver.


	5. Jealousy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin turned his head to look at him. Their heads side by side. A slight blush on their cheeks. Chest to back and their arms aligned. They stood there looking into each other's eyes as they lost themselves in blues of the others eyries.

Anger coursed through his veins as he watched his manservant tend to Gwaine. That was a very large offence in Arthur's eyes. He watched Merlin with his too long arms attempt to wipe the dirt of Gwaine’s face. Keyword attempt. Finally, tired of Merlin’s fussing, Gwaine takes the red cloth and wipes his face on his own. Red Cloth. Arthur’s eyes swivel to meet Merlin’s exposed throat. A lovely shade of alabaster with a dainty Adam's apple bobbing every so often. 

"Are you okay Sire?" Leon's voice made Arthur swivel his head away from Merlin.  
"Huh?"  
"It just seems like you wished to burn a hole in Merlin's head the way you were looking at him." Letting out a small chuckle Leon pointed towards the general direction where the unsuspecting manservant conversed with the flirty knight.  
As if by magic* Merlin turned around to look at them. As if he could hear that they were thinking about him. His eyes locked with Arthur's and for a moment it was like only the two of them existed.  
The mirage shattered as those clear blue eyes broke contact with his and looked away, back to Gwaine. 

"I'm fine Leon, gather up the knights." with that, Arthur turned around and proceeded to decimate several training dummies with the quick and brutal swings of his sword. Jaw clenching as he imagined the dummies to be Gwaine. Cocky and annoying. 

Merlin stood under the shade of the castle walls as he watched the knights train. Cool breeze brushing against his exposed collar giving him slight goosebumps. Hairs on the back of his head rose, alerting him that someone was staring. Scanning across the training field, he noticed from the corner of his eyes Arthur's eyes following him. 

Looking down he realised he was missing his neckerchief. A red heat wafted up his neck as Merlin started to resemble a tomato. Turning his head he looked for the piece of cloth. The last thing he remembered about it was that he gave it to Gwaine. The knight better not have lost it or he might wake up with donkey ears. 

 

Sweaty and tired, Arthur walked through the halls. Heading towards his chamber, Arthur noticed a certain someone walking through the courtyard. A someone who has plagued his thoughts for over a year. Merlin was walking, several multi-colored bottles we nestled in the crook of his arms. A look of pure concentration on his face as he made his way to different chambers and deliver some of the bottles. It seemed obvious that he was running an errand for Gaius. 

Arthur stood there for a while longer, observing his manservant. Merlin looked better than he did that morning. He had a healthy flush to his cheek. Although that could be the heat. He was facing away from Arthur. Merlin looked like he had lost a lot of weight. An urge of protectiveness rose within him. He soon found himself marching over to the gangly boy. 

"Merlin," he started. Scaring the boy and causing him to almost drop several bottles. Reaching out, Arthur grabbed his elbow and pulled him to his chest. Stabilising him and getting his bearings together, only to notice the position they both were in. 

Merlin turned his head to look at him. Their heads side by side. A slight blush on their cheeks. Chest to back and their arms aligned. They stood there looking into each other's eyes as they lost themselves in blues of the others eyries. 


	8. Avoidance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The best way to get over heartbreak is to distract one self from seeing the cause of said heartbreak. A lesson Merlin, apparently, missed.

The sunlight pouring through the open window mocked him. Dust becoming visible when under the radiant beam looked like fairy dust. The air was cool, a gentle breeze seemed to emanate from the small window. The small creaky bed was inviting. The tossed sheets and lumpy pillow beckoned him. Yet the obligations of his duty almost made tears erupt from his eyes. This glorious morning should be spent catching up on missed sleep. Or even outdoors, where one might lay on a field or meadow and appreciate the gifts mother earth has bestowed upon them. Not serving a ungrateful, rude, pretty, narcissistic, prat. Did he think pretty, he meant **Petty**.

Sighing for the fifth time that morning, he made his way through his door and across Giaus' chambers. Opening the creaky door he let himself breath in the smell of the hallway. The air was warmer and it lacked the smell of poultice he had learned to call home. Lugging his feet, he made his way towards the kitchen.

"Merlin..." drawled off a distant voice. It seemed familiar but he knew if he turned to look he would be late. Not wanting to risk getting more things thrown towards him, he trudged on paying no attention to the speaker.

He walked briskly towards the kitchen, collecting the Prince's food, made his way on towards the royal chambers. Knocking with his left hand while balancing the heavy food tray on his right, he let himself in.

"You're dressed?" he said in surprise. "...And you already had breakfast..." he left off after noticing the empty dish on the table.

"Yes, Gwenivere brought it in, she thought you were still... resting" and air of awkward silence hung between the two of them. Both were reluctant of speaking about the incident that took place 2 days ago.

Merlin tried to stifle the jealousy in his voice from showing. "Well I feel fine now, so she won't have to bother herself with that anymore." he failed.

With a small smile Arthur said, "I didn't know serving the crown prince was such a bother  _Mer_ lin"

"Of course it is a huge  _Honour_ to serve such royalty." Arthur wondered how Merlin managed to make that compliment so insulting. 

"Does this mean that I get the rest of the off" he asks, wondering if he would be able to have a mid morning nap after all. 

A full fledged smirk wedged on his face, Arthur asked with a mocking tone "Oh, did you complete all your chores?"

"Chores?..." came a meek question.

"Why yes, I must have forgotten." With an exaggerated hand movement Arthur picked up a roll of parchment and let the bottom hand free. The end of the scroll landed on the floor stirring up small gusts of dust.

Merlin gulped.  

 

 

 


End file.
